I realized even my previous blogpost was about love and relationships, I didn’t intend to necessarily write about love again. It’s just been on my mind quite a bit.

I don’t know if you can call me lucky or unlucky in love. I’ve been in relationships in the past and felt true love. Everytime I thought she was the one, only to have it all crumble in the end. Hopes and dreams vanished.

A lot of my peers are married or getting married, triggering my FOMO. I’m not looking forward to my late twenties. I am actually embarrassed to admit how much this affects me. I’ve always considered myself to be aloof not really comparing myself to others.

It’s funny because the one constant in my life for a long time had been love, for a greater part of the last (or lost?) decade. So maybe these are just natural questions that arise in someone who’s become single after a while.

Because when I loved, I loved intensely. Sometimes I feel it would’ve been better to have not felt or experienced this intensity because I would have been blissfully unaware. There’d be no yearning. No past trauma to deal with. I can’t seem to gather the courage to swipe on apps either, what do I even say? I judged you by a few words and pictures on your bio and you did the same, how can we expect depth here?

Your mind plays games on you — Endless questions, will I ever find love? Will I find the ‘right’ person for me? Am I going to end up alone? It makes you believe you fucked up your chances and now its all gone. Replaying the mistakes you made in the past. If they could do it, why couldn’t you? Will I ever have what they have? Maybe there’s something fundamentally flawed in you. Maybe I’m just too much of a cynic. Maybe it is just self sabotage. Maybe I’m just afraid to put myself out there, again.

In a way I think it’s good. To sit with myself and tackle these thoughts. Dissect the causes and forge healthier ideas about relationships. I probably really did need to be alone and develop a healthier relationship with myself.