there's no meaning to life without love
i'm coming up on about 2.5 years of being single. the longest since i turned 15. i was always an existentialist searching for the meaning of life. love filled that void. the last few years i tried filling that void with work. it doesn't work.
as i start to lose interest in all things work and tech, a certain sense of emptiness has engulfed me. i thought i just needed a break from work, so i prioritized work-life balance. i quit working all the time. even then, there's something missing in my life. a constant reminder.
i'm just going through the motions. trying to fill my meaningless days with work - what else is there to do?
i've always been in and out of love. so this gap has been disorienting on my mind and heart. almost an exercise in how to feel whole without a partner.
on some days i'm afraid i don't have the appetite to love as intensely as i did in the past. i console myself saying the right one will come along, but the clock keeps ticking. on others, i'm my harshest critic - "you're too screwed up, who's going to love you anyway?" as if perfection is a prerequisite for love.
you've been warned: don't love intensely while you're young - the loss will seriously fuck you up, kids.