Between Worlds
I studied at a lesser known high ‘status' school in Adyar. If you are from Chennai, you’ll know what that means.
But my upbringing was pretty mixed, for one I did not live among the privileged Adyar dwellers. It took my frontal lobe to fully develop to realize the extent to which my childhood experiences shaped the way I viewed the world.
At school I moved with an elitist group that quietly mocked me for watching Tamil movies and listening to Tamil songs. It was not in the open but I could always sense their - “is this really your thing?” undertone. I did not know Linkin Park, nor did my parents watch HBO. I spoke Tamil at home, not English. And Bollywood? I hadn’t watched any hindi movie except taare zameen par and 3 idiots. And why was bollywood attached to higher status? Or were we conditioned to believe it was high status?
I was brought up in a brahmin household. but I ate any meat I could get my hands on ever since I was a kid. identity did not mean much to me (I realize my privilege and which is why I am even able to make such a statement). Maybe it was quiet rebellion, a refusal to be categorized - maybe the first offshoots of my lifelong quest to not truly belong anywhere.
the crowd outside of school? It was an odd one. far from the polished bourgeois of Adyar.
I fondly call them ‘area annas’. they were from a different walk of life. Studied in government schools and likely dropped out by the time they were in high school. I played cricket with them. They introduced me to gana songs. I taught them broken english. They taught me how to fish. a core memory. the patient waiting, the thrill of a fresh catch. primal. Real. i helped cook that freshly caught fish. I ate it, fried, dripping it in masala and an aroma of spices.
my other world, a world much more ‘polished’ did not know about this. Even as a kid I knew I could not share these experiences with them. What will they understand with their ‘perfect families’ and carefully crafted social image?
Many many years later, I understood my experiences made me who I am today. My upbringing was not perfect, far from it, I partially raised myself. But it has given me unique perspectives - I thought this was universal but as an adult I realize not many people got to experience the worlds I did.
Even today in a different country, I come back to the question. Where do I belong? I’m always in between. an outsider in both worlds, never being able to fit in to either. Did I even want to? i don’t know. maybe i like being an observer. sometimes a translator.